Parents ‘should be seen and not heard’ when it comes to kids and their friendships

As a parenting author, I travel the country speaking at schools about the complicated social changes that happen during adolescence and how parents and teachers can support kids through this tricky life stage.

One question that comes up every time is “How can I help my child make more friends?”

Parents worry about social isolation, lonely weekends, kids who spend too much time at home, and whether these things are normal or a red flag for a bumpy social life ahead. And, if they are red flags, what can be done to help?

Certainly, there are things parents can do to help their kids form connections. Having popular, shareable snacks and being willing to drive and drop off at fun places are two tactics I often recommend. Usually, though, the less intervention the better. A centuries-old and outdated belief that “children should be seen and not heard” might be better applied to parents who become too involved in managing their kids’ social world.

I spoke with Sarah Clark, codirector of the C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital National Poll on Children’s Health, about the recent Mott Poll that examined parent perspectives on their children’s friendships. Clark is also a research scientist in the department of pediatrics at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor. (The report is based on responses from 1,031 parents with at least one child 6 to 12 years old in August. The margin of error is plus or minus 1 to 5 percentage points.)

This interview has been lightly edited and condensed for clarity.

Sarah Clark: We’ve been doing the Mott Poll since 2007, and we try to approach the topics broadly. Some are more focused on traditional medical care, but some are more about the seminal moments in kids’ lives that require parents to have some thought about how their parenting facilitates their child’s health or well-being. We were thinking about what kinds of things are key topics at the beginning of the school year, so friendship seemed pertinent.

Clark: Interestingly, there was no difference for boys versus girls on this one and no difference by grade level. So maybe the factor we don’t talk enough about is the pandemic’s effect on parents in this situation.

Day-to-day parent interactions dropped with the pandemic. Maybe parents aren’t plugging back in to hear about clubs or opportunities they can then transfer to their kid. Informal parent sharing passes along (information) to the kids, and the pandemic disrupted that.

Clark: The more positive view on this outcome is that I completely understand wanting your child’s friend’s family to share similar parenting styles. It’s easier when you’re all on the same page about spending money on activities or what a kid can get away with, for example.

But when it crosses the line to not wanting your child to be friends with “those kind of people” — and these results seemed to tell us the response is identity-based — it sends a signal that certain people are less than us. These are classmates, teammates, castmates, future coworkers, maybe future bosses in your child’s life. This is not a good setup for functioning well in society.

Plus, this impacts parents, too. If they are strict about how their kids interact with others, it cuts off a wonderful pathway for adults to learn and grow. This finding made me sad for the kids and for the parents, too.

Clark: I was a little bit surprised by several things. First, I thought the proportion of parents who wanted to know the parents of their kid’s friends would be much higher.  (The poll found 30% of parents with kids in kindergarten through fourth grade wanted to befriend the parents of their child’s friend, but the percentage dropped to 17% in grades five through eight.)

Second, I was surprised that 1 in 5 parents feel their kids have no friends or not enough friends. That seemed high to me.

Third, the number of parents who are buying things to help their kids fit in seemed lower than I expected. (The poll found 10% of parents do this.)

Clark: It could be some of both. Only a very small number of parents (4%) said their kids had too many friends. And there was not much difference between elementary and middle school reporting on this. I think this response is partly what parents hear from their kids and partly what they intuit themselves from their kids’ behaviors.

Clark: People like to blame Covid for this rise in social media use, but in a lot of communities there aren’t great spaces for kids to hang out. Some libraries, malls or coffee shops have laws or rules about unaccompanied minors. So, social media can solve that.

Clark: Well, (it depends on whether it’s) an argument versus a fist going in someone’s direction. I think there are a lot of parents who are quick to intervene during a verbal disagreement, and they want to go in and solve it. What is your child learning from that? Parents can do a lot to facilitate and create opportunities, but they can’t make friendships for their kids. Too much direct intervention doesn’t help.

As adults, we can lead by example through our own interactions, which is very different than getting involved in kids’ interactions. Show them what to do based on how you interact with your friends.

Michelle Icard is the author of “Eight Setbacks That Can Make a Child a Success: What to Do and What to Say to Turn ‘Failures’ Into Character-Building Moments.”